Hey...

I know I haven't blogged in a while. There is still snow falling on my page, which is sort of appropriate since it still feels like winter here in Oregon. I don't feel like I have much -- if anything -- to say. Emotionally, I'm not in a good place.

I've had to take off my rose-colored glasses and take a good, hard look at my life. I've been married for almost 22 years, and for all of those years my husband and I have been telling ourselves that "someday"...."eventually"... "in a few years"...

And now we find ourselves in our 40s, with nothing -- NOTHING -- to our name. No house, no credit, no savings, no retirement, not even good furniture. We live in a crappy rental house furnished with second-hand stuff. I do have a lot of debt though. WHEEE!

You know what happens when you are over 40 and you find yourself WORSE OFF than when you were in your early 20s? When all of your smart friends from high school have successful lives and you are the loser friend? When you feel like you have no real future to look forward to because you will never be able to buy a house or retire or take your kids on vacation or even get a decent car?

I'll tell you what happens. Depression, self-pity, self-loathing. You look for someone to blame, like the economy or the president or God or luck or fate (which is fickle, by the way). You end up blaming yourself because you made poor choices...you didn't HAVE to get married so young, go overseas, pay for Christian school, or even choose a low-paying profession like teaching. You tell yourself that you have your kids (but of course, so does everyone else, and they also have a nice house and a nest egg), and you spend every day telling yourself that things could be worse, you could be sick or unemployed or alone in the world or even homeless.

You tell yourself that life isn't about money and although you KNOW it isn't about money, it sure would be nice to have some.

I know I am blessed in many ways and I know it's selfish of me to wish for more. But darn it, I am so tired. I'm just tired! I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of having to fix unhealthy, cheap dinners. I'm tired of calling my creditors and having to move bills around. I'm sad that I had to give up my dreams of adopting a little girl and buying and fixing up house and land and planting a food garden. I'm tired of feeling like this is going to be my life forever and ever and ever, but I know I have to somehow come to terms with that.

So, that is why I haven't blogged! Nothing to see here...time to move on.

The Truth About Teenage Boys

I hate stereotypes. I hate stereotypes of all kinds, but I especially hate stereotypes about teenage boys. It may be because I'm a teacher and I know that kids are kids, period. I know it's also because I'm the mom of three boys -- and two of them are teenagers.

Let me tell you about my sons and their teenage friends. They love to sit and talk. They love to just "hang out" at my house. Several of them especially love to get down on the floor and play gentle games with Caden. They range in age from 16 to 19 and none of them, not one, has a girlfriend. They don't even talk about girls. In fact, they are slightly terrified of girls. I know, because I eavesdrop. They talk about food, movies and video games.

But this is what I see on facebook and on blogs:

In other words, teenage boys are horrible creatures that should be shot.

Teenage boys are also punks with earrings and spiky hair.

I know these are supposed to be funny, but what if I wore a shirt that was derogatory towards teenage girls? I don't even think there is such a thing, actually. There's a double standard in today's society. Teen boys are dangerous and can't control themselves around girls. Grown men are stupid and incapable (just watch any sitcom).

And what are we teaching our teen girls? That boys are not to be trusted? That they are inherently evil? That they are dangerous and scary because they have penises? I ran into one comment from a teenage girl during my research that read, "When my dad says all boys want from me is sex it makes me feel worthless and like I don't have anything else to offer."

I also read a comment on facebook by a woman who has a young boy and a girl. She said in her comment that she is teaching her daughter to be wary of boys and her son to respect women. It sounds good, right? My reply was this:

"So, you are teaching your daughter that she is someone worthy of being respected, and your son that he is worthy of being feared."

She was not happy with my comment. I didn't care.

Now I know what some of you are thinking. You are thinking that my sons are not the norm. This may be true... I happen to think they are exceptional of course. So I went in search of some studies. Here's what I found:

I found that teen girls drive more aggressively than boys:
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704866204575224110235731780.html

I found that teen girls are more likely to have risky sex than teen boys:
http://healthland.time.com/2010/11/09/study-teen-girls-more-likely-to-have-risky-sex-than-teen-boys/

I found that more teen girls than teen boys (but only slightly more) are likely to have sex before getting married:

According to a report in the New York Times, 43 percent of unmarried teen girls and 42 percent of unmarried teen boys have had sex at least once.

I found that teen girls are becoming more and more aggressive: (The author of this article found this out when he wrote a book about how to protect his 4 daughters from boys... he found that aggressiveness in teenage girls is a huge problem in today's society).

http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3576173&ct=5083925

I also found that teenage boys really do eat a lot! ;)

http://www.reuters.com/article/2010/06/15/us-teenage-boys-idUSTRE65E3ZA20100615

I am not writing this article to "put down" teenage girls or to say that all teen boys are innocent and never think about sex. Of course, that is not true! Girls should absolutely be wary of aggressive teen boys, and date rape is still far more common when it is the boy raping the girl. But teen boys that act this way are a very small minority -- although you wouldn't know it by the way the media and even people I know and love act.

I am writing this because as a mom, I am tired of ALL teen boys being painted with a brush dripping with negative paint. I hope that, when my boys DO begin dating, they can find a young woman who hasn't been taught ahead of time that my sons are inherently dangerous, that they can't control themselves, or that they only have one thing on their minds.

Because you know what? If they do have one thing on their minds...it's probably food!

Merry Christmas!

Playing with the Pooh ornament...

The best place to watch TV is from behind the tree of course...

This is his favorite spot. If I can't find him, I look behind the tree. He feels warm and cozy back there and it gives him a sense of peace -- it feels like home to him. Things have been hard for us the past few years -- I've been looking for that same warm and cozy feeling -- but I have to constantly remind myself that it comes from having Christ in my life -- the ultimate Christmas gift -- and not a physical place.

I don't know what will happen when we have to take the tree down...


Anyway, I know I haven't been blogging much -- this little guy keeps me so busy! It's been hard with Trenton away at college and writing jobs become scarcer and scarcer, but I have to say that it's also been a great holiday season, and that God continues to bless us in unexpected ways. I forgot how much fun Christmas is with a little one in the house!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

On Being Thankful

I'll admit it. It's hard for me to be thankful lately.

My life has gone steadily downhill since we returned to the States about 7 years ago. We have lost our savings, our home, Lance's good job, our good credit rating, our retirement account and pretty much any hope of ever living the American dream. I have lost several friends who don't know how to relate to me anymore -- but I've kept a few very good ones too! Today, I live in a constant state of stress over how to pay the bills and put food on the table.

Maybe we should have stayed overseas. Probably we should have stayed overseas. But you can't change the past.

I hate the fact that I have had to downgrade my list of "thank-you's", but at the same time it's made me realize what is most important. Over the past few years, I have lost material things, and I have had to give up a lot of my hopes and dreams, but I have not lost the things that really matter. The things I am most thankful for: family, friends, salvation in Christ -- these things remain constant. For that, I am truly thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Decorating for Christmas

Lance won't let me decorate the house for Christmas, because he has RULES. Actually, it's only one rule: No Christmas anything before Thanksgiving.

But I sneak around. I buy decorations and hide them in the cabinet above the washer, where all the cleaning supplies are. He never goes into that cabinet. I listen to Christmas music when he isn't home and I hum carols under my breath when I'm cooking dinner. I make diagrams of how we will put up the lights and I make lists of which Christmas movies we will watch on each weekend.

Hello. My name is April. I cheat on Thanksgiving.

But what Lance doesn't know, won't hurt him. And he doesn't know about this blog, so I can decorate it to my heart's content. Voila! Merry Christmas.

Trenton is coming home on December 8th. I asked Tristan if we should wait to get the tree until Trenton comes home, even though it will be late to get our tree, and Tristan said "Of course! It's TRADITION!"

I love that my boys love our traditions, and I love that Tristan wants to wait for his brother. :)