I know I haven't blogged in a while. There is still snow falling on my page, which is sort of appropriate since it still feels like winter here in Oregon. I don't feel like I have much -- if anything -- to say. Emotionally, I'm not in a good place.
I've had to take off my rose-colored glasses and take a good, hard look at my life. I've been married for almost 22 years, and for all of those years my husband and I have been telling ourselves that "someday"...."eventually"... "in a few years"...
And now we find ourselves in our 40s, with nothing -- NOTHING -- to our name. No house, no credit, no savings, no retirement, not even good furniture. We live in a crappy rental house furnished with second-hand stuff. I do have a lot of debt though. WHEEE!
You know what happens when you are over 40 and you find yourself WORSE OFF than when you were in your early 20s? When all of your smart friends from high school have successful lives and you are the loser friend? When you feel like you have no real future to look forward to because you will never be able to buy a house or retire or take your kids on vacation or even get a decent car?
I'll tell you what happens. Depression, self-pity, self-loathing. You look for someone to blame, like the economy or the president or God or luck or fate (which is fickle, by the way). You end up blaming yourself because you made poor choices...you didn't HAVE to get married so young, go overseas, pay for Christian school, or even choose a low-paying profession like teaching. You tell yourself that you have your kids (but of course, so does everyone else, and they also have a nice house and a nest egg), and you spend every day telling yourself that things could be worse, you could be sick or unemployed or alone in the world or even homeless.
You tell yourself that life isn't about money and although you KNOW it isn't about money, it sure would be nice to have some.
I know I am blessed in many ways and I know it's selfish of me to wish for more. But darn it, I am so tired. I'm just tired! I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of having to fix unhealthy, cheap dinners. I'm tired of calling my creditors and having to move bills around. I'm sad that I had to give up my dreams of adopting a little girl and buying and fixing up house and land and planting a food garden. I'm tired of feeling like this is going to be my life forever and ever and ever, but I know I have to somehow come to terms with that.
So, that is why I haven't blogged! Nothing to see here...time to move on.