I know I haven't blogged in a while. There is still snow falling on my page, which is sort of appropriate since it still feels like winter here in Oregon. I don't feel like I have much -- if anything -- to say. Emotionally, I'm not in a good place.
I've had to take off my rose-colored glasses and take a good, hard look at my life. I've been married for almost 22 years, and for all of those years my husband and I have been telling ourselves that "someday"...."eventually"... "in a few years"...
And now we find ourselves in our 40s, with nothing -- NOTHING -- to our name. No house, no credit, no savings, no retirement, not even good furniture. We live in a crappy rental house furnished with second-hand stuff. I do have a lot of debt though. WHEEE!
You know what happens when you are over 40 and you find yourself WORSE OFF than when you were in your early 20s? When all of your smart friends from high school have successful lives and you are the loser friend? When you feel like you have no real future to look forward to because you will never be able to buy a house or retire or take your kids on vacation or even get a decent car?
I'll tell you what happens. Depression, self-pity, self-loathing. You look for someone to blame, like the economy or the president or God or luck or fate (which is fickle, by the way). You end up blaming yourself because you made poor choices...you didn't HAVE to get married so young, go overseas, pay for Christian school, or even choose a low-paying profession like teaching. You tell yourself that you have your kids (but of course, so does everyone else, and they also have a nice house and a nest egg), and you spend every day telling yourself that things could be worse, you could be sick or unemployed or alone in the world or even homeless.
You tell yourself that life isn't about money and although you KNOW it isn't about money, it sure would be nice to have some.
I know I am blessed in many ways and I know it's selfish of me to wish for more. But darn it, I am so tired. I'm just tired! I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of having to fix unhealthy, cheap dinners. I'm tired of calling my creditors and having to move bills around. I'm sad that I had to give up my dreams of adopting a little girl and buying and fixing up house and land and planting a food garden. I'm tired of feeling like this is going to be my life forever and ever and ever, but I know I have to somehow come to terms with that.
So, that is why I haven't blogged! Nothing to see here...time to move on.
Background
- AprilMay
- Child of God. Mother of 3 boys ages 18, 16 and...3. Freelance writer. Used to be a missionary. Used to be a teacher. Will be a librarian in the future. Thinking about having another midlife crisis.
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- Bringing Home Baby (South Korea)
- Do They Have Salsa in China? (Twin girls home from China)
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- Hoping for Girl (Russia)
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4 comments:
Long time lurker - never posted.
The Florida United Methodist Children's Home in Enterprise, Florida is often in search of House Parents. They are paying positions. 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. An on-site residence is provided for the 2 weeks you are off should you wish to use it.
I am not certain you want to relocate to Florida but you might check in your area of the country for similar opportunities.
peace
fm
Another longtime lurker just wanting to say {{hugs}}. DH and I are a bit younger than you, but we're kind of feeling like we're in the same boat. Did everything "right" and "responsibly" and are now substantially underwater in a mortgage that should have been affordable with a house we should have been able to upgrade and our entire savings that we sunk into it to make a full downpayment gone--*poof*. I might have a graduate degree from a top-rated university, but since teaching pays so little, going back to work makes no sense when my kids are this little because daycare would pretty much suck up my entire take-home in my high COL area. I've been bitter and feeling like the "American Dream" is just another bill of goods someone sold to a gullible me. I hate this frame of mind, but can't seem to shake it.
Hang in there, and hug your boys. And pray.
Sweetie, I feel your pain. My house, although it is still mine, has lost an INCREDIBLE amount of equity in the last couple of years. I don't have enough equity in it anymore to refinance, and just a few months before Michael passed (when I still had A LOT of equity) I refinanced to an ARM that will come due in the fall of 2014. I was unable to imagine that Michael would not make it and that we would not be purchasing a larger home in the near future together. Oh, to have had a crystal ball back then.
I, too, have loads of other debt from fertility treatments and my adoption attempt, and student loans. When I think about it all, I am totally overwhelmed. Lately, I've just been bringing my mess to the Lord and telling Him that I am unable to fix this, and that it's up to Him to do so. I'll be obedient, but I really need Him to lead me. Just know that you are not alone. I'll be praying for you.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE
Joannah
First things first... I LOVE YOU! I've missed your blogs, even when they are raw and full of hurt... it's your honesty that speaks to so many and helps people feel connected and like they aren't alone. I won't say I know what it's like or that there is an easy solution... I won't throw a Jesus cliche your way either... it doesn't help. But I will say this: I love you. I believe in you. I treasure our friendship. I want the best for you. I wish I could do more to help you besides pray and send love through the atmosphere. I have faith that your someday is coming (because if your's doesn't, then I'm pretty screwed at getting my someday). And, most of all, thank you... thank you for sharing, for being honest, for not covering up the pain with "I'm fine" or "God's totally providing and we are happy to struggle" While that stuff may be true for others, it's good to know I'm not the only one who cries into her wine glass when it doesn't feel like it's fine or that God has got my back (even though I'm pretty sure He does somehow and I'm just too thick to figure it out). <3Ang
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